Assorted writings from October...

It's like trying to put together a puzzle.  There are pieces that I need, but I don't know how to find them.  And there are pieces that I don't need, but I don't know how to get rid of them.  I want everything to fit together and balance, but it doesn't always work that way.  I end up just staring at it all, hoping the answers will come to me…

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I knew that the past few weeks would be rough.  Sobriety and loneliness have always been my enemies... but I hoped that facing them and embracing them would make me stronger.  I also hoped that being sober and alone would clear my mind, eliminate the distractions.  I thought it would help me focus.  Then maybe I could discover some hidden truth about myself and about my world.  It didn't work out that way, though.  I think it drove me a little crazy...

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Three questions I try to ask myself in order to cope:

1.  How do I feel?
2.  Why do I feel that way?
3.  What am I going to do about it?

That third question is where I usually get stuck.  Too often in life I find that the answer is: "Nothing.  There's nothing I can do.  There's nothing I can change.  It's out of my hands.  I just have to live with it"...

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I can't control a damn thing in my life right now.  Crazy, stupid shit keeps happening to me, and I can't do anything to stop it.  That helpless, powerless feeling comes over me...  the feeling that nothing I say or think or do, nothing I want or need or wish for, matters.  None of it matters.  I should be viewing all this as another test, another challenge, another chance to grow... but dammit, I'm tired.  How much strength and courage do I need before I stop being tested?  How much faith and focus do I need before fate stops playing with me?

There are times when I feel like my job is all that I have, and all that I am.  I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have a wife, and I don't have kids.  I don't have classes, I don't have projects, and I don't have many hobbies.  I barely talk to my parents.  My sister and my friends feel SO far away.  So day to day, Monday through Friday, my job is the biggest part of my life.  It's the only thing that gives me focus, it's the only thing that gives me purpose, and it’s my only reason for getting out of bed.  I end up working late nights, sometimes up to 12 hours.  My managers thank me for my dedication, and I say "it's ok, I don't have anything else to do" or "it's ok, I don't have any place else to go."

And now, suddenly, I'm losing all that.  They're taking it away from me.  Not because I did anything wrong, or because I did my job poorly.  I just happened to be in the wrong half of the department at the wrong time.  It's not like school where I can save myself before an exam by studying harder, reading more pages, or spending more time at the library.  When the managers say it's over, then it's over.  I have no control and no say in what happens.

Am I overreacting?  Am I over-emotional?  Probably.  This was my first real job out of school.  I worked my way up from fileboy to analyst.  There's a lot of sentimental value there.  It's also my first time losing a job this way.  I quit the movie theater and I quit catering because I was ready to move on.  But now I'm being forced to leave because they're telling me to move on.  It's like a bad breakup with your first girlfriend.  You always hope it'll end cleanly and peacefully, but instead it's unsettling and hard to let go...

Excerpts from Spilling Open: The Art of Being Yourself by Sabrina Ward Harrison:
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I have been feeling so blank and full of muted tones.  I feel just sort of beige.  I've been stuck in muck...

I catch myself trying to cover up the parts of myself that I don't accept.  It's like a mask...

Who do I wear a mask for today?  I think masks say "Approve me," "Accept me," "Love me."  Masks don't say this is me as is, as I really am.  So what am I without the masks?  What am I from the inside out?...

So much of my growing up has been spent trying to figure out who I am and accept who I am and perhaps even love who I am.  Unfortunately I have noticed that I spend a lot of time comparing myself to other young women my age, watching for traits they possess that I feel I lack.  It's very exhausting.

But I seem to keep comparing and desiring more or wanting less.  When do I stop and be Sabrina the way I am?  When do I stop and believe that I am enough as I am?  With all the parts of me that feel "too small" or "too lumpy" or "too quiet" or not "edgy" or "too deep feeling".  Too too too too.  I must ask myself "What am I trying to be that I already am?"  If I don't love those parts of me, the tucked in sucked in silent parts, I think it will be a very sad journey.  And a pathetic waste of time.  "If you're not yourself, who will be?"

The truth is we all ache.  We all have growing pains and wonder if we are okay and enough and loved.  The thing is -- we are.  Really.  Without the silver shoes and leopard print sheets.  We are enough without all the things we buy to make us more than we are or need to be.  We are simple and complex and rare as is.

I struggle with this with my art and journals -- always wanting to become better better better thinking it will make me more somehow -- fill the places that are awkward and unsure.  To cover up those parts with color and pictures... But those parts alone aren't the answer and they certainly are just a small part of me...
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"Pieces of Failure" by Gordon S.

I sift through
this life of mine
trying to look
at everything
quite objectively,
as if these mementos
of my life,
trinkets of living,
are not mine
but some other fool's
whose life
is so pathetic and sad
that you just want
to laugh,
and I do laugh
but I also cry
because I don't see
what went wrong
with these dreams,
these pieces of me,
and I worry
I can never learn
from my mistakes
if I don't know
what made them mistakes.

I worry that
this is all
I ever will be doing
never succeeding
always failing,
at best a tragic comedy,
at worst just a tragedy.

I search for the key
the clue
that eludes me,
eyes averted
from the real world
afraid that if I look up
I will make
the same mistakes,
only adding another
trinket
to sift through.

Swiped from Hoainam's xanga
Step 1: Put your music player (iTunes, etc) on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly.

1.
It's down on me
Yeah I got to tell you one thing
It's been on my mind, girl I gotta say
We're partners in crime
You got that certain something
What you give to me takes my breath away

2.
I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down, and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

3.
It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me
You might just let it go

4.
When she walks she swings her arms
Instead of her hips
When she talks she moves her mouth
Instead of her lips

5.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

6.
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

7.
Come closer, baby closer
Reach out and feel my body
I'm gonna give you all my love
Ooh sugar don't you hurry
You've got me here all night
Just close your eyes and hold on tight

8.
Sitting around the house
Watching the sun trace shadows on the floor
Searching for signs of life, but there's nobody home

9.
Something's wrong, shut the light
Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of Snow White
Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon's fire
And of things that will bite

10.
Didn't mama teach you to give affection
I know the difference of a man and an adolescent
It ain't you boo, so get to steppin'

11.
Don't stop, get it get it
We are your captains in it
Steady watch me navigate
Ahahahahahaa

12.
Automatic supersonic hypnotic funky fresh
Work my body so melodic
This beat flows right through my chest

13.
We must be swift as a coursing river
With all the force of a great typhoon
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the darkside of the moon

14.
I've been down
Now I'm blessed
I felt a revelation coming around
I guess its right, it's so amazing
Everytime I see you I'm alive

15.
You can have it your way, how do you want it
You gon' back that thing up or should i push up on it
Temperature rising, okay, lets go to the next level
Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle

16.
Tell me do you think it'd be all right
If I could just crash here tonight
You see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go

17.
We can make love in the bedroom
Floating on top of my waterbed
I'm kissing you
Running my fingers through your hair
In the hallway
Making love away beside the stairs
We can do it anywhere

18.
Don’t go too fast
Don’t go too slow
You’ve got to let your body flow
I like ’em attentive
And I like ’em in control

19.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care

20.
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on

21.
Well she wants to be the queen
Then she thinks about her scene
Pulls her hair back as she screams
"I don't really wanna be the queen"

22.
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

23.
I don't know why you care
He doesn't even know you're there
'Cause he don't love your eyes
And he don't love your smile
Girl you know that ain't fair

24.
Everytime you see me what do you see?
I feel like I'm a poor man and you're the queen.
Oh baby you're the only thing I really need.
And baby that's why...

25.
Man it’s a hot one
Like seven inches from the midday sun
I hear you whisper & the words melt everyone
But you stay so cool